Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Me in tagged photos
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.