Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn