Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.