Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Every photo I’m tagged in
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.