Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.