Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Breaking news:
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do