BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Möther may I have a snäck
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve