Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
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Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
cyclists
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.