[Blackstreet Bakery]
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
You Might Also Like
#oldknees
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.