[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
The only good comments section online is on recipes
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.