[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.