“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
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Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.