Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
You Might Also Like
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.