Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube