[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
c’mon!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?