As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
You Might Also Like
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me