@stealingyergirl: [first day as a psychic] Boss: You're fired. Me: Man, I did not see that coming. Boss: And now you know why.

@Kayditty: Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

@SirFlushaLot: I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn't put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

@darrinfb: I want my ashes scattered when I die. I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.

@DaddyJew: Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?