ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.