Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I have never heard an armadillo before.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*