BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.