[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My new favorite headline
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: