[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Noah
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin