[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.