REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
im 7 sauces long
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.