[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The booster protects against what, now?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”