Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.