[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.