[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
You Might Also Like
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
God has abandoned us.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
😩😩😩