[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Every time.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?