[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
For the baby who has everything
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.