[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
we all know this pain all too well
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.