[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this