He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.