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@G_Faylor: [blind date]
HER: I'm a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@OutOfLeftField_: The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, "Save the whales!"
@greg_vee: *takes your compliment*
*stares nervously at it*
@ClichedOut: Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
@Amusitr0n: Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
@internetluke: [showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
"You named your daughter Jack?"