My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
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COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
From Facebook just now…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now