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@G_Faylor: [blind date]
HER: I'm a first-grade teacher.
ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@pplwtching: I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don't tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.
@osoplain: I'm texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
@TheToddWilliams: Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
@JohnLyonTweets: Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
@BatBatshitcrazy: Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they're feeding you kale.