[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema