[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.