Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
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“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
There is wisdom there.