[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
What do you hear?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.