[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world