*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
You Might Also Like
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Sticker placement is key.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket