[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.