[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.