[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”