[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
A wise man once said nothing.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!