[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
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so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My inexpensive home security system…
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
There are usually two types of merchants.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product