I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
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My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Livid.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Need this in my life lol
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god