[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
emergency phone
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.