[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
classic mixup
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher