[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.