Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Venn
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.