My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*